2002/07/22 04:16

I rode earlier today. Rode quite a bit, actually. I had my motorcycle time, and it felt good.

Motorcycle time always feels good.

I'm exhausted right now, so that's all I'm going to write about it, but I did take some pictures that I'm going to post up after I wake up in the morning.

On a side-note, I've noticed a side-effect beside nausea and fatigue from my chemotherapy treatments. This is a side-effect that I really don't like, and it makes me feel like much less of a man, I can tell you that much.

According to my information sheets from the hospital, I am supposed to avoid sex for 48 hours after treatment, which is fine. After that, back to normal, right?

Not quite.

For the past 3 days, I've had little to no libido whatsoever, and it's quite upsetting. I don't like feeling like there's something I can't do for her, something I can't provide.

Especially sex.

I'm young and supposed to be virile, and it's disturbing as hell for me to go from the capability of having sex multiple times in one night to being able to only perform once. And to get my body to the point where it wants to perform just that once requires quite a bit of patience and coaxing, and I as a 23 year-old should not need that. Up until now, I haven't.

The fucked up part is that it's a vicious cycle: I get frustrated that there's no reaction, which stresses me out, which puts pressure on me to perform, which makes it even more difficult for my body to do anything.

It's not like she hasn't been completely and totally understanding and compassionate; for that, I am beyond grateful. And I certainly don't ignore it and not say anything. We've talked about it, talked about how it makes me feel, how it makes her feel, et cetera. She's worried about the effect this is having on my psyche, and rightly so.

My last chemo treatment had a similar effect, but it only lasted a day or so after that 48 "cooling off" period.

Maybe I'm just not being patient enough with my body. It is processing a massive amount of chemotherapy toxins and battling cancer.

Patience is not something I have an abundance of, as anyone that knows me will attest to.

I thought this was going to be a short entry. Guess I thought wrong.

Tomorrow, pictures from the ride.