Today I noticed that there was pain from the tumors a couple of times. That's definitely a new thing; I had only experienced difficulty breathing and swallowing before, and pain only once before. This worries me, but hey, I already have cancer, how much worse can it get?
Hah. There's a bright side to every situation, right?
I'm really worried about starting chemotherapy, especially after all the research I've done on it. The possible side-effects are so numerous and varied that it's not even funny. I'm worried about the pain, and the havoc it will wreak on my body.
This may seem shallow of me to think this, but I'm also worried that it will make me unappealing to her. I know I shouldn't think that, I know she isn't that superficial, and I know that all the side-effects are only temporary, with the exception of sterility; still, the thought lingers in the back of my mind. I hate thinking like that.
Already when I look in the mirror and see how my neck looks, it disgusts me. It's so painfully evident that there is something terribly wrong with me, and it's only getting worse every day. The tumors are much larger than they were even a week ago, which is disturbing me, to say the least.
Oddly enough, I noticed yesterday that one of the few times that I don't have difficulty breathing and there is no discomfort is when I'm riding my motorcycle. I think it has something to do with the position my neck and shoulders are in while I'm riding. I also don't think about any of this while I'm riding, so my therapy is still quite effective and peaceful.
On the flip side of things, being in her presence is also very therapeutic. Her smile makes me happy, and holding her in my arms makes everything seem right in my world.
Basically, she kicks ass.
I noticed a couple of days ago that people around me act differently now. Not really surprising, considering what's going on, but it's still disconcerting. This became evident when I was at the local coffee shop hanging out with people, and I started laughing from a conversation we were having.
You see, when I laugh, it hurts. When I laugh, you can hear that it's difficult for me to breathe, you can hear the wheezing in my throat from the constriction the tumors are causing. And when I laughed in the presence of my friends that day, I noticed that they all had incredibly disturbed looks on their faces.
I don't want this to affect my friends or my family, damnit. This is my problem, my fight, my pain. I don't want them to feel bad for me, I don't want them to worry about me.
I'm going to make it through this.
My friend Matt and I talked today; I love him, he's always been a great friend. Him and I have had some great times together, and I miss him terribly. He has an uncanny ability to always make me laugh. When him and I spoke over the computer today, he made me laugh so much it made my stomach hurt. Here's an excerpt:
Matt: first jay ends up in traction... now this. what is it with you guys and your life-threatening mishaps?
Me: Everyone's gotta have a hobby.
Matt: heh any more word?
Me: Nothing more than what I wrote in my journal yesterday after seeing my oncologist. I'm worried about chemotherapy.
Matt: nod. do they any idea when you might start?
Me: This week. Still have to find a sperm bank.
Matt: uh. Sperm bank?
Me: Chemotherapy can cause infertility. Quite common, actually.
Matt: dude this natural medicine thing is getting way out of hand...
Me: Natural medicine thing?
Matt: they're treating you with sperm?
Me: hahahahhahaa
Matt: good thing you don't have colon cancer.
Me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH
Matt: ah, even in the midst of Lymphoma, I can still make Mark guffaw.
Me: heh
Me: You've always been able to.
Matt: do go doing anything stupid like dying, cause i'm prolly coming out around the end of september.
Me: I won't die.
Matt: heh yeah. you're too ornery to die. i look at it this way. you're too stubborn to do so much as turn down the stereo in your car, what makes me think you'll give up your life for cancer?
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