Saturday, November 28, 2009
That's all, folks.
2002/08/29 05:46
I sitll haven't come to terms with the fact that it's been getting worse each time and will continue to do so until my treatment is over. That's probably the most difficult thing for me to swallow in all of this. With each treatment, I ask myself how it could possibly make me feel worse, and with each treatment, I find out.
Oh well. C'est la vie.
On a lighter note, I had a wonderful motorcycle ride this past Sunday with two good friends of mine, Matt and Tom. We rode up Page Mill Road, and stopped at the intersection of Page Mill/Alpine Rd. and Skyline Road to take a break and relax a bit to soak in the beauty of it all.
A couple of days before that I got to hang out with Jessica, which is enjoyable every time I do. I really did miss hanging out with her, as she has been such a good friend to me for so very long, and is just overall a really good person. I took a picture of her that night, I guess she wasn't too happy with it.
I also went out to lunch with her on Tuesday before going to chemotherapy; I think my decision of where to go might've been a bad idea, considering the fact that I ate a hamburger, which was the first time in a while that I'd had red meat. It should be enough to say that it was pretty hard on my stomach, and it definitely had its effect during my chemo treatment. Luckily, my timing in getting to the bathroom was impeccable, especially considering that I had to get my IV unplugged from the wall which was no easy feat.
Azitta went with me to chemo this time, which did wonders for me. It also helped me to deal with my mom, as she can be quite over-bearing and over-protective at times.
Well, all the time, actually. I just normally have the energy and patience to be able to deal with it, but chemo drains all that away. It makes me feel like I'm an octogenarian, slowly withering away into nothingness.
Damnit, I was trying to keep this light-hearted. That just shows the frame of mind I'm in right now, I suppose. Why force it, eh?
On that note .. end transmission.
2002/08/21 19:20
Excised and anatomised, deviscerated disarray
The torso diverged with pride
Deftly amputated, evulsed limbs now defunct
The trunk imbrued, tatty stumps used as lugs
For a chondrin puzzle so quaint
Head and body decollate
A heaving mass so quiescent...
Scattered and scrambled, your teasement grows
- A bloody caricature to make whole
A squirming grisly jigsaw, detrital fragments fit so snug
- That missing piece will leave you stumped
Totally disassembled, nicely sliced and diced
- A human being this once resembled
Real cranium teaser, carved from flesh and bone
- So mystifying...
Battered and diffused with placating blows
- A human jigsaw to make whole
A sequacious pattern which once fitted so snug
- Joining together each dubious lump
Ravaged disassembly, neatly cubed and diced
- A cold mannequin once reassembled
Astute brain teaser, incorporate flesh and bone
- So mortifying...
An incessant game - methodically made
With each cumulative piecing - of commensated meat...
Bi-manual reconstruction, eldritch problem complete
A convened effigy
A pathological toy, each chunk rigorously
Inter mortis locking, as you pathogenically rot
Such a perplexing task
To fit the remains in the casket
Uliginous mess so quiescent...
An incessant game - methodically made
With each cumulative piece - of commensated meat...
2002/08/19 00:27
-- Peter Guethlein
Oddly enough, thinking of that quote is sometimes the one thing that makes me feel better about chemotherapy. One may ask "Why in God's name would there need to be a quote like that?" Well, the simple fact is that with most treatments in life, you feel better as you progress through it.
With chemotherapy, you feel worse with every treatment. Every visit is worse than the prior, more painful, more complicated, and it almost starts to seem like chemotherapy is the thing to fear, the thing to avoid.
No energy to write tonight.
2002/08/11 22:35
I just don't like feeling sick, I don't like feeling like .. like not me. It's gotten to the point where even thinking of chemotherapy makes me nauseas, where even passing close to the hospital makes me sick. Literally, sick to my stomach. I know that it's all Pavlovian in nature, psychosomatic if you will, but the effects are the same nonetheless. Nausea.
I'm so tired. My tiredness extends far deeper than just being sleepy or the like; it's like a fatigue to the very core of my being, like my body just barely has enough energy to go on day after day. Almost everything requires much more energy than I have available in my reserves; I'm always pushing my own boundaries when it comes to any sort of activity, even ones that I enjoy. That makes sense, of course. Why would the fact that I enjoy an activity make it any easier on my body to perform it? Mind over matter, right? Yeah. Right.
The clumps of hair in my shower get worse every day. I didn't think it would be that noticeable, but it is. Luckily the way that my hair has been falling out has been nothing more than a general thinning all over. The hair on my head is not the only place it's going away, it's pretty much body-wide.
It's just disturbing when I see it actually falling out. When I pull off a black shirt, I can see all the hair that was pulled out just by the shirt rubbing against my head. And we're not talking just a few strands of hair here, either; each time I take a shirt off, I lose an average of two dozen hairs from what I can see.
The fact that I always feel sick right after eating makes it very difficult for me to want to eat. Luckily I've been able to force myself to eat no matter what so far, but I have a feeling that as my treatment continues that may change. I've go to keep forcing myself to eat no matter what, seeing as how I lost 13 pounds in June, and I've only gained back 11 of that. Even once I've gained back the weight that I lost, I have to keep eating, keep forcing myself. I've always been underweight, and that's not good in general, but especially for me now.
I wish I could describe how I feel phsyically. Emotions aren't as difficult to verbalize, but since this is a type of physical discomfort I've never felt before, it's quite hard to describe. I really think only a fellow cancer patient that went through chemotherapy would understand. It's shitty, because when someone asks me how I'm feeling and I respond with "tired," they frequently respond with something along the lines of "I know what you mean," and the first thought that goes through my head is "No, you don't."
Tired is merely the easiest way I can describe it. Nausea is just so much simpler than trying to convey that I am quite literally in pain most of the day each and every day. A headache to me is not just a headache, it's a pounding, throbbing beast that extends into my entire body, causing a chain-reaction of pain and discomfort that .. fuck. How I feel is truly indescribable, far more powerful than I could possible verbalize.
And it fucking sucks, because I was always one of those people that never really got headaches, got sick, felt nauseas, et cetera. Rarely have I ever had the flu, or gotten a cold. I've never had bronchitis, and I've only had strep throat once in my life. I used to get ear infections when I was younger, but that stopped a long time ago. Bug bites don't bother me, neither does poison oak.
So of course, my adult life of relative ease as far as health is concerned finally decided to catch up to me. Here, have some fucking cancer.
Today would qualify as a bad day, as far as my psyche is concerned, I suppose. I think it's because I've been thinking about the fact that tomorrow I have to go in for my blood tests and then my chemotherapy on Tuesday.
And thinking about how much I just want to be normal again.
2002/07/24 09:14
I finally fell asleep around 5AM, and I woke up about 20 minutes ago. Oh well. I guess if I utilize my time properly, I should be able to get twice as much done in a day.
Tangent: discourteous drivers. I went riding yesterday in the hills behind my house, and believe you me, someone must have had some sort of impatient driver convention. The roads were overrun with tailgaters, people attempting to pass other people in the middle of turns, insanely slow drivers, et al.
Luckily, me being on a motorcycle, I was somewhat unaffected by all of this; I have yet to encounter a motorist that is anywhere near capable of keeping up with me when I'm on my motorcycle.
The most impressive event by far occurred while Ben and I were pulled off onto the side of the road. A group of three cars were speeding towards a turn that had a passing lane just before the turn began. Imagine, if you will, a car pulling into the lane to the right to allow the car directly behind it to pass. Now imagine the car behind that attempting to pass car two by pulling to the left into the oncoming traffic lane.
So what you had was 3 cars all in one stage of passing or another, careening towards the upcoming turn; now throw in the possibility of a car coming in the opposite direction around the turn, the entire road blocked with oncoming traffic, unbeknownst to him.
Quite the gaggle of fools.
Crap. Stomach hurts. I really should get some food.
On a lighter note, last night I found myself feeling like a capable man again. It appears that my patience in relation to my body's desire for sex payed off. So I guess it takes about 7 days for me to process the chemotherapy drugs enough to get my libido back and for my body to be physiologically capable of having sex again.
That pleases me.
2002/07/22 04:16
Motorcycle time always feels good.
I'm exhausted right now, so that's all I'm going to write about it, but I did take some pictures that I'm going to post up after I wake up in the morning.
On a side-note, I've noticed a side-effect beside nausea and fatigue from my chemotherapy treatments. This is a side-effect that I really don't like, and it makes me feel like much less of a man, I can tell you that much.
According to my information sheets from the hospital, I am supposed to avoid sex for 48 hours after treatment, which is fine. After that, back to normal, right?
Not quite.
For the past 3 days, I've had little to no libido whatsoever, and it's quite upsetting. I don't like feeling like there's something I can't do for her, something I can't provide.
Especially sex.
I'm young and supposed to be virile, and it's disturbing as hell for me to go from the capability of having sex multiple times in one night to being able to only perform once. And to get my body to the point where it wants to perform just that once requires quite a bit of patience and coaxing, and I as a 23 year-old should not need that. Up until now, I haven't.
The fucked up part is that it's a vicious cycle: I get frustrated that there's no reaction, which stresses me out, which puts pressure on me to perform, which makes it even more difficult for my body to do anything.
It's not like she hasn't been completely and totally understanding and compassionate; for that, I am beyond grateful. And I certainly don't ignore it and not say anything. We've talked about it, talked about how it makes me feel, how it makes her feel, et cetera. She's worried about the effect this is having on my psyche, and rightly so.
My last chemo treatment had a similar effect, but it only lasted a day or so after that 48 "cooling off" period.
Maybe I'm just not being patient enough with my body. It is processing a massive amount of chemotherapy toxins and battling cancer.
Patience is not something I have an abundance of, as anyone that knows me will attest to.
I thought this was going to be a short entry. Guess I thought wrong.
Tomorrow, pictures from the ride.
2002/07/16 19:39
Here's a poem that I encountered today; it's by Edgar Allan Poe, written in 1850. The title is "Alone":
From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then - in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life - was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view
2002/07/16 19:19
Last night I fell asleep somewhere around 3-3:30AM, knowing full-well that I had to be up in 2-2 1/2 hours to go on a motorcycle ride with my friend Tom.
So, at 6AM, off went my alarm. I promptly silenced it.
And then I heard a horn honk out in my driveway. I thought to myself, "Damn. Tom did show up."
I jumped out of bed, threw on my robe and ran downstairs to let him know that I would be jumping in the shower and getting ready real quick. He just told me to meet him at Coffee Society when I was through.
So after shaving/shitting/showering, I gear myself up and jump on the bike. Off to Coffee I go. As I pull up, he sees me and starts walking to his bike to get ready to go.
I inform him that I have a short amount of time, due to the fact that my second chemotherapy treatment is at 9:15AM, and I have to be at my dad's house before that so I can pick him up and take him with me. Tom sort of looked off into the distance for a moment, and replied with "Ok!"
And off we went at approximately 6:40AM.
85 south to 17 south, exit Bear Creek Road, make a left onto Black Rd. (Black Mountain Rd.?), take that all the way to the southern tip of Skyline Rd., at which point we kick things up a notch and haul ass to Four Corners, the Highway 9/Skyline Road intersection.
When we stopped at Four Corners, we checked the time and realized that it was only 7AM!
Damn!
So off down the backside we went. As soon as I turned onto that road, I felt it calling to me, felt the beauty of the turn, the lure of the motorcycle zen.
I punched it.
I didn't ride so hard as to push my previously explored limits, but I definitely rode at a spirited pace.
And for the first time since I've ridden, I left Tom behind. Normally, there's a small sense of victory when one encounters a situation like that, as it confirms your level of riding experience and ability, but it made me feel empty inside to gain a lead on Tom like that.
See, the thing is, Tom pretty much taught me how to ride in the hills. He's my mentor, my teacher.
When I got to the bottom of 9, I sat and waited for him .. if I had a cigarette, I would have been able to finish it, most likely. He came hauling ass around the turn, flew past me at high-speed, but he saw me and slowed down. He turned around and pulled up next to me, and after exchangings "Sups," the first words out of his mouth were "You've gotten a LOT faster."
I can't really explain why it makes me feel so strange to know that I am now a faster rider than Tom. Perhaps the best way to illustrate it is as such: due to Tom being my primary mentor as far as riding in the hills, I always aspired to be at his level of speed, smoothness and consistency in turns.
And now that I've surpassed his level, at least his level on his bike right now, it just makes me feel .. well, like I said before. Empty.
I do know, however, that I am nowhere near the rider that he is, in general. I have only surpassed him in speed. He is a more confident, stable, versatile and experienced rider than I will ever be. Period.
So .. after that, I ran home, got my car and picked my dad up. It was time for round 2 of my chemotherapy.
Pretty uneventful, actually. I'll skip over the description of sitting there for 3 hours and letting them inject me with toxins.
As soon as I got home, I started to feel strange. I still do. It's like my body is telling me that it's filled with poisons right now, that it's battling toxins. I'm incredibly tired, and mentally dead.
I'm suffering from "chemo-brain," I think.
Ugh.
They said I can expect hair loss within 3 weeks. Yay. I've already noticed that my hair is thinning.
2002/07/15 05:35
Nothing.
2002/07/11 02:17
It's so warm in here I left a sweat-spot where my ass was on my bed.
2002/07/11 01:08
It was time to get the stitches from my open biopsy removed. Quite the odd sensation, actually. A strange pulling feeling, no pain.
Just the pulling.
I asked him when I could expect the first appearance of side-effects from my chemotherapy, and he informed me that most likely they would appear after my second chemotherapy treatment.
I can hardly wait.
After that I attended my weekly meeting at work via my cellphone. Uneventful as usual. They never talk about anything interesting, the selfish pricks.
And then I proceeded to strip down to my underwear and move as little as possible the whole day, with the exception of the requirements of the body; bathroom visits, food, et cetera.
Went and got some coffee with some friends down in Campbell. Just hung out and shot the shit.
A nice relaxing evening.
2002/07/09 20:10
And I've only had 2 cigarettes today, which I'm quite proud of myself for. Granted, a lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm out of cigarettes, but I could've easily gone out and purchased more.
So now I get to jump into the shower, drive to Poof's house, and go meet our friend Adam for dinner down in Campbell.
Good times had by all, I suppose.
I now have another appointment for tomorrow at 10AM at the doctor's office. Boy-oh-boy.
And oddly enough, I received this appointment reminder from the hospital about a surgery that I have on July 19th; the strange part is that I know nothing about this surgery or appointment. That appointment reminder was the first I'd heard of it.
I guess I'm getting frequent-flier miles at the hospital or something -- I'm starting to win free surgeries.
"And with 10 chemotherapy treatments, you get your 11th free!"
2002/07/09 08:11
Ridiculous, especially if you take into account the fact that I have to see my surgeon in one hour.
9AM. Right.
It's not like I've been doing anything terribly important; I've been doing some work, playing around on my computer, listening to music, pretty much nothing.
I stayed up all night doing nothing.
My sleep schedule is all out of whack, and I don't really know why.
Ok, that's a lie. I do know why; it's because I take naps during the day. I have to, otherwise I'm useless. This is a new development in my life, and it's due to the rigors that chemotherapy places upon my body.
You see, even when I'm not actually doing anything, my body is still working in overdrive to process the toxins they placed inside of me to battle this godforsaken cancer.
So in addition to being tired all the time, I have also developed the appetite of someone about 3 times my weight.
And I drink a lot, which means that I pee a lot. Water bottles have become my constant companion, with some sort of snack not far behind.
Yesterday.. today? Yesterday seems like today, seems like the day before, seems like what will be tomorrow. My past week has pretty much run together and coagulated into one bloody day.
Uh-oh. Tangent alert.
Back on topic: yesterday I went to the local Rite-Aid and purchased this crazy GNC Weight Gainer 2200 Calorie dietary supplement mix. Two tubs of this noxious substance, actually.
That's right: tubs. The vile things come in tubs.
Why in God's name would I buy these things? Well, weight loss is inevitable for someone going through chemotherapy treatment, and I'm going to do all I can do avoid that; I don't exactly have a surplus of mass on my body.
Basically, I'm downright skinny. With me, it's all skin, bones and muscle. Nothing inbetween.
Maybe some gristle.
I gotta figure out what I'm going to do real quick here .. it's 8:10 in the morning, and the time I set on my alarm is rapidly approaching.
Shitfuck.
2002/07/06 03:15
Thank god it's stage 2BE cancer, not 3 or 4. That would probably require a year or longer of chemotherapy, in addition to a bone marrow transfusion of some kind.
Hungry again.
2002/07/06 02:14
So far.
I was in the hospital for 2 days. 2 days of cabin-fever, prison-life.
In a word: sucked.
Tuesday was truly a hectic day. I did the CT scan. That showed that the cancer has not spread to my spleen. Good news there.
The bone marrow biopsy came back, no cancer in my bone marrow. Also good news.
The open biopsy surgery came after my CT scan on Tuesday morning. I have stitches in my neck that are getting removed on this coming Tuesday. The cancerous lymph node that they removed was about 4 to 5 times normal size.
After they pulled that tumor out, it made me wonder: why does the human body find it necessary sometimes to attack itself? Why do cells go cancerous, destroying the very thing that gives it "life"? Is it a by-product of evolution, of cell division and multiplication?
Of course, if I could answer that question, I'd win a Nobel Prize. No one knows yet. Hence cancer is still the great killer.
So after they did my open biopsy, they admitted me in to the hospital for chemotherapy. They gave me time to nap, which was good, considering that I got about 2 hours of sleep the night prior. They started the treatment with syringes at first, taking about an hour to inject 3 toxins into my body, with saline flushes inbetween toxins.
After that, they set me up for the 4th and final toxin, which was to be done on an intravenous drip for 4 hours, mixed in with saline solution. During that 4 hour time-span, I had to urinate probably about 10 times. Each time, it burned. Each time, it was a full bladder, just bursting with neon-yellow urine.
My dad stayed with me until about 7 or 7:30 that night, and then Poof showed up to keep me company. I guess I was asleep when she first got there, because all I remember is opening my eyes and suddenly seeing her sitting in the chair at the foot of my bed with a concerned look on her face.
Jesus, I felt like such shit, and it made me so happy to see her. She spent a couple hours with me, and then Sez showed up to keep me company until about midnight.
When they released me the next day, I realized after a couple of examinations by my doctors that it was easier for me to breathe and eat than it had been prior to treatment. In addition to that, my esophagus appeared to be returning to it's normal position, and my tumors seemed smaller.
Things are looking up.
I'm going to make it through this.
Still scared though.
2002/07/01 21:16
Hair loss
Lowered blood cell counts
Cardiac side effects
Nausea and vomiting
Sores or tenderness of the mouth, throat and lips
Chemical burns of the tissue surrounding the veins
Discoloration of the urine
Weight loss
And then there are some more interesting ones:
Unusual bleeding or bruising
Darkening or thickening of the skin
Swelling of the fingers
Confusion (yes, confusion)
Sweating
Wheezing (already have that)
Black tarry stools
Difficulty in walking
Double vision
Drooping eyelids
Mental depression
Pain in testicles
Weakness
Swelling of feet or lower legs
I can't wait to see what's behind door number 3.
2002/07/01 21:09
And then my doctor pushed. Pushed HARD.
And then he started turning it.
You see, once you get beyond the sharp point of the needle, it's actually a corkscrew shape. So he was screwing it into my bone to extract a "core sample" of my bone and bone marrow, so to speak.
Holy Mother of Christ, that was excrutiating pain like I've never felt before. The whole process only took 10 minutes, but it seemed like it took a whole heck of a lot longer than that.
Then he handed me a bunch of literature on the medication they'll be using for my chemotherapy. They'll be using 4 different types of drugs for my treatment, which is called a "combination chemotherapy." I can't believe I start tomorrow.
I'm concerned with the fact that I couldn't find a sperm bank that could accept me in time today, but I can't put off treatment. There's no way. Every day I get more and more uncomfortable, every day the pain grows and grows, and I don't want to wait any longer.
So my schedule tomorrow is going to start pretty early:
6:30AM - My father picks me up at my house
7:00AM - Arrive at Kaiser Permanente in Santa Clara, they give me some liquids to drink for the CAT scan.
8:30AM - They perform the CAT scan.
9:00AM - Take myself to Admissions to check in for my surgery; this is when they will perform the open biopsy to remove tissue directly from the tumors.
11:00AM - First treatment of chemotherapy.
They're going to be keeping me over night for observation and releasing me the next day, hopefully. So if all goes well, I'll be out of the hospital on Wednesday.
I really am scared.
2002/07/01 10:11
He told me that they need to start me on treatments as soon as possible, and as such, I should get to a sperm bank today; they're going to start chemotherapy tomorrow morning after my CAT scan.
I'm scared.
And I have to go find a place that will allow me to masturbate into a little cup. Looks like I'm not going back to sleep today, even though I was up until 6AM.
I also informed my doctor that last night I found a new lump in my neck, a bit far away from the others; this one is about an inch underneath my left ear and slightly back, underneath the muscle tissue. It appears to be quite a large one. My doctor did not seem surprised, he indicated that was a very common spot for lymphoma to metastasize to.
I was hoping to have some time to build up my strength, get used to not smoking, and gain some weight before starting chemotherapy, but I guess the situation is serious enough that this needs to happen right away.
So off I go to go shower and find me a sperm bank.
2002/07/01 03:37
Today I noticed that there was pain from the tumors a couple of times. That's definitely a new thing; I had only experienced difficulty breathing and swallowing before, and pain only once before. This worries me, but hey, I already have cancer, how much worse can it get?
Hah. There's a bright side to every situation, right?
I'm really worried about starting chemotherapy, especially after all the research I've done on it. The possible side-effects are so numerous and varied that it's not even funny. I'm worried about the pain, and the havoc it will wreak on my body.
This may seem shallow of me to think this, but I'm also worried that it will make me unappealing to her. I know I shouldn't think that, I know she isn't that superficial, and I know that all the side-effects are only temporary, with the exception of sterility; still, the thought lingers in the back of my mind. I hate thinking like that.
Already when I look in the mirror and see how my neck looks, it disgusts me. It's so painfully evident that there is something terribly wrong with me, and it's only getting worse every day. The tumors are much larger than they were even a week ago, which is disturbing me, to say the least.
Oddly enough, I noticed yesterday that one of the few times that I don't have difficulty breathing and there is no discomfort is when I'm riding my motorcycle. I think it has something to do with the position my neck and shoulders are in while I'm riding. I also don't think about any of this while I'm riding, so my therapy is still quite effective and peaceful.
On the flip side of things, being in her presence is also very therapeutic. Her smile makes me happy, and holding her in my arms makes everything seem right in my world.
Basically, she kicks ass.
I noticed a couple of days ago that people around me act differently now. Not really surprising, considering what's going on, but it's still disconcerting. This became evident when I was at the local coffee shop hanging out with people, and I started laughing from a conversation we were having.
You see, when I laugh, it hurts. When I laugh, you can hear that it's difficult for me to breathe, you can hear the wheezing in my throat from the constriction the tumors are causing. And when I laughed in the presence of my friends that day, I noticed that they all had incredibly disturbed looks on their faces.
I don't want this to affect my friends or my family, damnit. This is my problem, my fight, my pain. I don't want them to feel bad for me, I don't want them to worry about me.
I'm going to make it through this.
My friend Matt and I talked today; I love him, he's always been a great friend. Him and I have had some great times together, and I miss him terribly. He has an uncanny ability to always make me laugh. When him and I spoke over the computer today, he made me laugh so much it made my stomach hurt. Here's an excerpt:
Matt: first jay ends up in traction... now this. what is it with you guys and your life-threatening mishaps?
Me: Everyone's gotta have a hobby.
Matt: heh any more word?
Me: Nothing more than what I wrote in my journal yesterday after seeing my oncologist. I'm worried about chemotherapy.
Matt: nod. do they any idea when you might start?
Me: This week. Still have to find a sperm bank.
Matt: uh. Sperm bank?
Me: Chemotherapy can cause infertility. Quite common, actually.
Matt: dude this natural medicine thing is getting way out of hand...
Me: Natural medicine thing?
Matt: they're treating you with sperm?
Me: hahahahhahaa
Matt: good thing you don't have colon cancer.
Me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH
Matt: ah, even in the midst of Lymphoma, I can still make Mark guffaw.
Me: heh
Me: You've always been able to.
Matt: do go doing anything stupid like dying, cause i'm prolly coming out around the end of september.
Me: I won't die.
Matt: heh yeah. you're too ornery to die. i look at it this way. you're too stubborn to do so much as turn down the stereo in your car, what makes me think you'll give up your life for cancer?
2002/06/29 14:26
I called my dad, ran into the bathroom, washed my face, brushed my teeth, put my contact lenses in and jumped on my motorcycle. Rode there as fast as I could safely, so I kept it below 130mph.
Once I arrived, both my mom and dad were sitting in the waiting room. I hadn't seen those two together in the same place in quite a while. Sort of surreal.
So, Dr. Fischetti basically told me that what the other doctor told me as far as the stage my cancer was in was a premature prognosis of the situation. He said that it was correct for what little testing they had done so far, but that he would not speculate on the stage; he would make that decision once they had done all the testing.
He mentioned the fact that it is highly likely that the cancer has spread to my bone marrow, and that would throw me into stage 4 cancer. He also mentioned the fact that he was very concerned about the "large mass" that showed up on my x-ray inside of my chest cavity near my lung.
So he set my appointment for another biopsy this Monday at 4PM; if I recall correctly, it's going to be an open biopsy. I just can't remember if it's the bone marrow biopsy or not.
He also prescribed me medication to help me avoid kidney complications once they start me on chemotherapy. As it stands right now, that's all he plans on for treatment, which they will start as soon as possible, but they may choose to add radiation treatments depending on what they find with my bone marrow biopsy and my CAT scan.
I mentioned to him that it's becoming more difficult each day for me to breathe -- I noticed that this morning, actually. It's harder to breathe today than it was yesterday.
He pointed out that the growths in my neck are so severe that they are actually pushing my throat to the right of my neck; he pointed out that my adam's apple is clearly being repositioned by the tumors.
He also told me that I did the right thing as far as how quickly I went to the doctor's office for this stuff. I waited a month before going in and just watched the swollen glands to see if there was any significant change. That made me feel a bit better; then he told me that most likely these tumors had been growing for a year inside of me, and it was only a month ago that they grew big enough or numerous enough for it to become noticeable.
That kind of surprised me.
2002/06/29 01:12
This pleases me, I suppose. Hodgkin's lymphatic cancer is better than non-Hodgkin's.
hah.
I also found out that my cancer is in stage 2, which means that it has spread to nearby tissue. My chest x-rays also revealed a dark mass near my right lung. I'm going in sometime next week for to see a surgeon to get an open biopsy done, so they can directly remove tissue from the tumors in my lymph nodes; I'm assuming they're going to do the bone marrow biopsy at that point also.
My CAT scan is scheduled for next Tuesday at 7AM, which is supposed to tell them if the cancer has spread to my spleen or anywhere else in my body -- I assume it will tell them more about the mass on my lung.
They're considering sending me to Stanford Medical for treatment, which is good, I suppose. My doctor informed me that treatment is most likely going to be chemotherapy and radiation treatments, but they're not certain yet.
I have an appointment at 9AM to see Dr. Fischetti, a medical oncologist -- the cancer specialist assigned to me. I'm assuming he's going to tell me for sure what my treatment is going to be.
I'm not really looking forward to this "consultation," but I have to do it.
I noticed today that I'm becoming weaker, more easily tired. It's also becoming more difficult for me to breathe, regardless of how I hold my head; it's kind of disconcerting.
It's kind of weird, actually; so far, it hasn't really affected my mood all that much. Not that I can see, at any rate. I'm a bit more quick to anger, but I think that's stress-related. I'm not really "down in the dumps" over this, and I don't really have to force myself to be in a good mood. I take that as a good sign.
I really should be sleeping right now, but I'm really not tired. I was tired when I first got home, but that passed quickly.
2002/06/26 18:27
I asked him if it was Hodgkin's Disease, which is also known as Hodgkin's Lymphoma, or Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma; he said that they didn't know yet, and that they needed me to come in for another blood test this afternoon. He said that they are hoping it's Hodgkin's Disease, as that is a curable form of cancer.
Definition of Lymphoma, from http://www.webmd.com/ :
"Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma is a type of cancer. Lymphoma is a general term for cancers that develop in the lymphatic system. Hodgkin's disease is one type of lymphoma. All other lymphomas are grouped together and are called non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Lymphomas account for about 5 percent of all cases of cancer in this country."
He told me that they would use the blood sample I gave this afternoon to determine whether it was Hodgkin's Lymphoma or not; he told me to expect a call from an oncologist, a doctor specializing in cancer, tomorrow.
They are going to set up appointments for me to get a CT scan of the body, sometimes called a CAT scan, to determine if the cancer has spread to my spleen or into my bone marrow:
"Computed tomography scan. A series of detailed pictures of areas inside the body; the pictures are created by a computer linked to an x-ray machine. Also called computed axial tomography (CAT) scan."
Apparently they also need to do a bone marrow biopsy, which can be done in two ways:
- Inserting a needle through the person's skin and directly into the bone (closed, needle, or drill biopsy). A numbing medication (local anesthetic) is used to prevent pain during this procedure.
- Making a surgical cut (incision) through the person's skin that exposes more of the bone (open biopsy). The person is given general anesthesia or given medication to block feeling in the area where the incision is made (spinal anesthesia or peripheral nerve block) for this procedure.
I'm still in shock. I've told my parents and some of my close friends, but I'm still having trouble believing it.
I realized something today: the wants and needs in your life are subject to constant change depending on your life situation. Under normal circumstances we don't normally notice this flux, as the changes don't tend to be severe.
What made me realize this was:
- 2 days ago I was hoping that I was just sick with the flu and that it wasn't anything serious.
- 1 day ago, yesterday, I was hoping that it was some kind of STD instead of cancer -- they made it clear that it was something serious.
- Today I'm hoping it's Hodgkin's Lymphoma instead of non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
I'm actually hoping for one form of cancer over another; the lesser of the two evils, so to speak.
I got my Strapping Young Lad hooded sweatshirt in the mail today, and it came with a picture of Devin Townsend playing his guitar. That man is the master of the metal-face. The sweatshirt kicks total ass -- I can't wait to wear it.
I'm still in shock, I think.
2002/06/26 03:05
First off, the doctor seemed very worried after examining me. He brought in another doctor, who was apparently more knowledgeable about cancer. After he examined me also, asking me a couple of questions, they both left the room for a moment after excusing themselves, and then returned.
The first doctor then quite literally rushed me down to the laboratory to get a blood test, and then off to get a chest/neck x-ray. But before he sent me down there, he told his assistant to set up an appointment for me for tomorrow as early as possible; technically, the appointment is set for today, since it's 3AM. When she informed him that the earliest was somewhere between 12 noon and 2:30PM, he told her to set it for noon.
He then turned to me and said,
- "I'm going to be down in Medical 15 at 9AM, and I want you to come in then. Disregard the appointment time. We need to do a biopsy on you as soon as possible."
He said he was worried about several different types of cancer, all of them having to do with my lymph nodes.
My world has been uprooted, and things that once seemed important no longer mean anything.
It felt so good to see her tonight. When she asked me what I was doing tomorrow night, I had to stop myself from dancing right there in front of her. She has such a powerful effect on me; her mere presence pleases me to no end.
When I initially went to go see her, she was a little bit stubborn and a little bit doubtful. That's ok, though; I understand what she's going through. Confusion can be a very difficult thing sometimes.
We ended up going on a ride in the hills on my motorcycle for a bit. It was a quick ride, just up the Saratoga side of Highway 9, down the back side of Highway 9, and then back over. I really do enjoy sharing my time on my motorcycle with her.
I really should be asleep right now, considering the fact that I have to be up in 5 hours, but again I find myself avoiding sleep.
Shitty.
2002/06/24 20:09
I love growths.
2002/06/24 11:11
On my right wrist:
HOPE
FOR THE
BEST
And on my left wrist:
EXPECT
THE
WORST
Some old journal entries.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The Top 10 Reasons to Overthrow Your Government
- 10. The “Two Party System” is not democratic. Democrats and Republicans work hard together to keep additional parties from gaining momentum, even to the point of staging presidential debates themselves to lock other candidates out (ask anyone from the League of Women Voters, they’ll explain it). Any party which operates over a long period of time becomes irreparably corrupt, as do the individuals who come from those parties.
9. The War on Drugs is unjust. First and foremost, the full text of the 10th Amendment of the Bill of Rights states, “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.” If the Constitution doesn’t call for something as a specific function of the federal government then it can’t get involved. Anyone locked up on a federal drug charge is well aware of their actual status as political prisoner. Besides being an absolute violation of the Constitution itself, the War on Drugs is largely unjust because it is the primary tool by which people are commoditized for use in the prison system, which brings me to my next point.
8. Your prison system is random and for-profit. Based on the existing laws, more than half of all Americans are already criminals. Obscure, rarely-enforced, and sometimes unjust laws are used to maintain a massive prison population for the sole purpose of generating continuous profit for the bloated justice system and corporations which supply and maintain penitentiaries. Your government has put capitalism above human rights by regulating crime as a lottery system where you are the ticket and prison is the prize.
7. The illusion of safety. The Constitution outlines only a few legitimate functions of the federal government, one of which is to “provide for the common defense.” Instead of providing this Constitutionally-mandated function, however, your federal government makes you take your shoes off and steals your deodorant before you can board an airplane.
6. The government is intentionally keeping you stupid. Not that it matters anymore, but the federal government does not have the Constitutional power to mandate or involve itself in any way with education. Why is it that children are not provided the most basic education, that the United States continues to fall behind in science, and that very few of you even recognize the flagrant criminality in your own “elected” officials? An uneducated population is a docile population, at least on the political front. Eighty percent of you probably couldn’t tell me what a federalist is, but that’s not your fault.
5. The Internet. The most functional tool for the spread of Democracy in the history of mankind (perhaps excepting the Maxim gun) is under assault by communications companies attempting to remove its core neutrality, and your government is barely resisting. In fact, some might go so far as to suggest that your government is actually complying in this effort. Given the government’s track record with education, insurance, and finances, I’d say the Internet in its current state has about six months to live. As a side note, China also imposes federal controls in the Internet.
4. Your government spies on you. If you told General George Washington that the federal government of the United States of America was tapping phones, snatching emails, and laying down more complex infrastructure to collect the daily lives of Americans he would join Al-Qaeda. The 4th Amendment makes it extremely clear that personal privacy is not to be violated by any level of government. There is no excuse for this type of behavior.
3. You could get arrested for even reading this. Voiced dissent has always been critical to the democratic process, but ruminations unsupportive of the political status quo will always be something of a target to those wield the dual blades of power and corruption. To quote Thomas Jefferson, “The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions, that I wish it to be always kept alive. It will often be exercised when wrong, but better so than not to be exercised at all. I like a little rebellion now and then.” To quote George Bush, “Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists.” I am deservedly a little scared, as you also should be.
2 . Your politicians are criminals. One of the early tenets of the United States of America was “no taxation without representation.” Politicians accept huge wads of cash from corporations and interest groups to pass laws which benefit only the top few men (and a couple of women) in industry. Sometimes they store this cash in their freezer. Sometimes they have the corporations make a “donation” to their private charities. Even when you, The People, reach a frenzied consensus your demands are ignored, but only because you didn’t bring a suitcase full of Benjamins.
1. Because you’re supposed to. The United States was born of rebellion and maintains that its citizens cannot be disarmed. You are a nation of checks and balances, one of which contains the dual assertion that The People are armed and that poppycockery should not be tolerated. The founding fathers wanted you to use your voices to keep your government from becoming corrupt and unconstitutional, but left you a loophole in case they managed to seize power regardless. Loophole, meet the present; The present, allow me to introduce the 2nd Amendment.
